Responsibility

Alright, my bad..... I left my responsibility last night... I don't know but this sounds really funny on the other side... As an officer, we need to have some responsibility... But on the other hand, I am just a cadet.... What was thought in my school is that we cadet do not have any responsibility... We are only a trainee officer... But yeah, in some way I was wrong but partially also not very wrong... All I did last night is that I went shore drinking with my Bosun and AB... Only this morning I went back ship... I was supposedly on duty at midnight but I skip for duty as I was dead drunk and went to sleep in the hotel instead... Even this morning, my head really hurt badly... I was reprimand by my chief officer hours ago... 2nd mate told me that it was a mess in the morning as chief officer also not present in the bridge... The port station control was calling on us on VHF radio and no one to answer... Our ship only reply to their call at 6 when 2nd officer was on duty.... Was said that the captain did not know about the situation... But for sure, captain know that I was not present for duty cuz I was reprimanded by the chief mate in front of the captain... Captain seems calm about it but who knows what is hidden beneath..? Anyway I should just be more concern about this chief mate... Probably because he was also not in the bridge, he got so pissed off knowing I wasn't there too.... The skool send me down for attachment is for study.. That is true but what am I gonna learn in the middle of the night when the ship is not navigating at all..? Sometimes, all these people just wanna take advantage of the cadet... It was suppose to be their responsibility if anything goes wrong... Even the crew said that I wasn't at any responsibility....haiz Anyway I need to buck up... Tomorrow onwards is a different shift.... I'll be on from 6 to 12 with 2nd instead... Now gotta report for duty...

Nobody

Sometimes I just wonder why am I such a mess.... All I know is I never did it on purpose to let her down... Now I feel ashame.. It is as if I lost such a wonderful friend whom always makes me happy... Just to know she feel good, it brings me joy.. Now I felt that I hurt her, I feel so wrong.... Whatever it is, I hope it don't really effect her badly... I still wanna see that beautiful sweet smile on her face... She look so sweet... That's my kinda taste... It is something you can't get sick of liking unlike beautiful... Somehow I guess she must had felt offended too when I say she is not pretty... Yeah too straightforward... How dumb can I be huh... However, she is someone special regardless how she treat me... I just don't like the feeling of falling in love so easily... :( I hope I can be a firm man.... I don't wanna be the one who like people so much and easily get tricked... I don't wanna be like Jovin... I must be better than her as I am much mature in life... Whatever it is, I still have my studies and I really need to do well to earn my credit.. Also I will need someone to discipline me at saving my money.... :( If only I could have someone who is good that I really could trust, life will be great... All I need is to study hard and save money... My best friend is marrying next year!! I wonder when will it be mine... Hmm...... I have been listening to Yellowcard ever since... Now when the songs is played, it always remind me if Marilyn.... Hahahaha Now she leave me that trace... Thanks Marilyn for being such a wonderful person to me... However I'm really sorry that if I ever hurt you... Till now I'm still not sure who are you really angry at... All I know is that I had been stalking you.. At the same time, I also believe that I'm not the only one... You must be a wonderful girl that you had so much admirer... Haiz Just what am I....? Gonna need some rest... I wanna look forward to my morning duty.... Evening....

I hope

I really hope it wasn't me that make you real tired... :'( I really don't mean to... Duty was kinda doing fine for me except a ship got me a shock of my life... A ship going at 15 knots and crossing us without giving any radio call... And we are at drifting... How about that? The pissing part is when I call over the VHF radio, they were not responding.. Lucky with a quick idea I start the engine myself and move ahead and warn those idiot to keep away from the rig... I was happy that I was finally able to act like an officer... Seriously I need to change.. I need to play less and be more serious in my life.. I also need to build up my confidence level and never to take myself down to a lower level... No wonder I get nowhere to get what I want... I miss my daddy... Now I start to worry much abt him I dunno why... :( Its so useless to have siblings I can't depend on... They were all there for his money only... None of them were sincere... This really piss me off after what daddy did to treat them well and believe them... My lesson is never ever to trust my own siblings... Don't come and look for me when you guys are in difficulties** Now I just need to be and start acting like an officer... :)

Today wasn't good at all... Afternoon I woke up with a bad migrane... Seriously I seldom have all these weird things goin on... It just felt weird... And suddenly many things came running thru my mind... The 1st of course is my daddy... I was so worried about him... Eventually he would had to be discharge from the hospital 18 of this month... But he was isolated weeks back for hitting a doctor.. My poor daddy, he was all stress up and none of my siblings sincerely care for him.. They are only there for his money... Fuck them... In this world, money drive people crazy and bad... But at the same time, without money we are nobody.....haiz I just don't know how I feel now.. I'm so confuse... Not knowing what is right when I'm wrong.. Every little thing seems to be a mistake... Friends are not telling me where I'd gone wrong but they will just laugh when they share the stories... Feelings are so tendered and I never wanna play with it again... In the past I don't believe in saying but I just show by my action but this time, I need to say and give action... At the same time, what can I expect? I'm just a nobody... I don't earn any income or do I have anything with me.. How will I ever know if someone likes me or not? But again, this life is just a game.... I need to be calm at my losing end and that only makes me a real man... I really don't know if you ever read this, but I'm really sorry if ever I did that offended you Marilyn... I never did that with intention... I swear that i'm just confuse... I don't know is it me or is it my imagination... My imagination really run wild sometimes... Sometimes I thought ppl are refering to me when it is not... Oh well, who am I?

I really don't know is it just me or someone else... This is really sucks when sometimes, we never get the clear picture or even we get the wrong information... Is our friend is just playing with us..? Can we really trust the people around us or is the people is playing us, I really don't know...Haiz But what can I say? I'm no good in this game of love... I really can't blame someone else... Still I got to stand on this solid ground.... Yeah it feels suck to be a nobody.... Helping people so much also no use cuz we don't really get help in return.... And seriously I had been missing a lot in skool work... I seriously gotta clean this mess.... I don't wanna live like this the rest of my life.....

I'm still missing you... Just that you never notice me.. You may never know how much it hurts to play with one's heart.. I know and I never wanna make it a part of my game... But I still choose to miss you cuz you look so sweet though we never met.. I still treasure your friendship... :)

I just wanna see you happy

And I was heartbroken... But let all these numbness fill me in... I feel so empty inside... All I want is to see people around me happy... I help when I can... I know though I'm not a perfect guy, there is some softness in me... Just last month, before a friend of mine went back to Philippine, I gave her 400 Ringgit... She refuse to accept my offer at 1st but I said it wasn't for her, it was for her daughter and she left with no choice but to take it.....lol I also give her 100 US$ for her birthday present... Maybe all these sum of money may be small for us but it makes wonders to people from poor country... Sometime I feel so grateful that I was born and grown in singapore... Yet we singaporean still complain so much...Haiz Next week I'm helping a friend to buy her airplane tics to her country... She is indeed a very nice lady... We didn't really had much to talk when we 1st met... All I know is that she like to listen to me sing... Without fail, she always wanted me to sing when I visit the pub she work in... I was attracted to her friend at 1st but I realize her friend is just out there to cheat on guys... Anyway I feel great that all these ppl that I help treat me well... They respect me and never treat me the way I look... They always told me that I look different and say I'm a nice guy... I was flattered but I told them that I just to see people happy... As long as ppl who treat me well happy, I'm happy for them... Now I feel so great to help people... I wanna keep helping ppl in need when I can... I wanna be someone remembered by others... Yeah maybe I look like this, I can do many good things than normal human and this is beyond my nature and character... I seriously hope I get to extend my stay in the ship... I will need to start saving for australia... :)

Sometime, certain things that you thought it is, isn't anything... Ok now I realize who I am now... When the time comes, then the almighty will let it happen... As for now I just wanna remain like this... For how long I will wait, I dunno.... How long will I be played, I also dunno but I know 1 thing for sure that every little thing happen for a reason... Sometimes, we just have to wonder why.... Just had a long conversation with Zee on the phone till my credit runs out...lol Sometimes it feel nice to talk to someone.... Till now that I'm still not graduate from my skool, I'm never a so happy man.... When you have loads of money, ppl really look up to you... At the same time, it brings jealousy... Now I'm just a poor boy.. Please don't play with my feelings..... :(

It was a damn mistake... I wouldn't wanna think about it... Well this is life I guess... Sometimes I think it is nice to play these games... :)

I'm so f**k up man... Serious shit... I can't be going on like this for too long... I gotta stop this... I hate it knowing I'm emotionally disturbed.. Always tend to do and say things with my feeling when I'm high and tipsy.... Seriously this shit need to stop but how..? I can't just gave up drinking like that....Haiz It's so f**k up... No I'm not down because someone don't have interest in me or like me.. But I'm emotionally down cuz I still haven't gotten over Jovin really well.... Or maybe I bring myself down to a lower level..? I don't know... Though I don't like to compare other people, I feel so f**k up about myself.. :( I feel like a lower cast ppl... Basically because of the way I look... I hate it... I really hate looking mean and aggressive... I just want people to know who I really am.. The friendly happy go lucky guy... Seriously ppl always think that I'm a gangster... Well I really wish to faster graduate and be a successful person.. By the time I won't care much about what others think about me.. I will be busy working onboard and will be going holiday around the world... Also seriously I need to stop sympathizing people... Yesterday I was tipsy and I end up giving my number to an indonesian girl in the pub... My friend said she was a singer there... Well, seriously I'm not interested in her... Maybe She think I like her cuz I give her the attention when she talk abt her sad stories.. But if ever ppl know ever, just remember when I say now, I don't have anything or love or have a crush on her... I was just being too nice to talk to her and entertain her... That's all.... All I want now is to do well in my studies and score and pass my Oral exam in 2 to 3 years time.. I wanna work and go around the world!! :) That is all I really wish for.. I just wanna be happy and want everyone in this world to live a happy life... :)

My heart is beating and it's beating too fast.... Come to think about it, I did something brave this morning... But I hope it don't chase her away... Now I'm really afraid of the consequences... Maybe she can be someone ordinary we might meet in the street but to me, she is someone that left me clueless... She was the kinda girl I think I will get comfortable with... Sadly there is still many things which I have to know more but too bad as I don't have much time to communicate with her... Sadly, this is my life of a seamen... Friends advice me to be brave and be straight about how I feel, some say It's ok to do stupid things for the sake but I really not sure if I ever did the right thing... I just don't know the way.... Now I'm worried.. I never even login my facebook since then... I was afraid to know and to see.... Oh pls help me but I really don't know what to do... When I'm hiding things inside of me, she don't notice my existence... But at the same time, I know it is not right to some people for doing such thing... Damn, I might had embarrassed her... Now I don't know what is the right thing to do... Should I even login my facebook...? Seriously I'm really scared... Whatever it is, I hope she is ok with it.... Seriously sometimes I can be so dumb that when I do things, I don't think with my brain but I let my heart react.... Sometimes the outcome turns out bad.... That's why it's sux to be me... I hope at the next moment, I can do something right... I hope my heart is able to use my brain to think.... Gotta knock off.. Nite guys... :)

I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU, I MISS YOU!! You can be so far yet so near, though you travel nearer it feels further.... What the hell am I talking...? hahahahaha Just entertaining myself making me feeling better... :p Seriously I think I have a crush on her... The more she makes me wonder, the more terribly I want her.... But yet again, this will be another blind love which I expect to get cheated again... What to do, this is life of a seamen... I really wanna faster graduate, work, save enough money for marriage, honeymoon and house, get a degree and settle down and get a shore job... Would be better If I can work in the high department in the office of a maritime company... Swee Bo?? This is what I love about being Pieces... We can plan and dream so far that it is possible to fall into reality..... :p I really miss you MAMA even knowing you don't miss a thing.... :D Maybe she was my lucky charm.... hahaha Who knows..? See I'm talking crap again... Ok now I gotta need a rest.... I seriously need a good girl to look after this naughty boy... I really wanna save up money to take the DP course... :p I wanna earn good sum of money in the future to make those ppl who left me for others to see what they really missed.... :D

2 Months

13 November the 2nd Officer will be here in Labuan.... Pwease pwease pwease!! I want 4 on and 4 off.... :( Really sick of long hours while still in Labuan... Hopefully this time when we go Labuan port I can go for some facial, a good massage if there is and get some items... Maybe I just need a light shopping.... Still got 2 months to go.... :D I miss you, I miss you, I miss you..... But we're nowhere in sight.... That is the saddest part.... I wonder what am I missing... :( I have everything plan well for my life but there's just 1 more thing I can't plan..... Well, let it flow and let it go... I wish I have my best destiny.... For you who had treated me unkind, someday you will just know you don't really exist in my life anymore.... If you can treat me like an animal without showing any remorse, I shall treat you like an animal poo in return.... hahahaha Like I said, treat me well and I treat yourself... :D Ok gotta have some afternoon nap now... Sweet dreams..

OMFG

OMFG!! I'm so damn clumsy that I posted my status on someone else's wall.....lol Lucky Marilyn haven't notice it or else she would think WTH with this guy...!! hahahaha Been really boring at duty and time passes really slow.... I was seriously thinking of going back for holiday and taking a few days rest at home without having to wake up early in the morning to do watchkeeping and duty... I really need a break... Damn, still got 1 year 4 months for my attachment to end... I really hope I can do well for the oral exam so I don't have to resit... I wanna faster earn money and go Japan! Korea! Paris! Vegas! Brazil! Portugal! Rome! Thailand! UK! Dubai! Vietnam! Bali! Amsterdam! Zurich! Hong Kong! Taiwan! Damn it's like going around the world... Yeah I gonna need money to go everywhere and to save up to buy a big house... I still need to take car license... hahahaha It's so great knowing that I can afford all these someday... Yeah money can buy everything... Can buy a love too but I'm not paying those for a love... I rather ppl love me for who I am.. The poor unattractive naughty guy.... Don't ever love me for my money cuz my money is only meant for me... :p Ok now gonna take a rest.. Tomorrow still need to wake up early... Me seriously lazy to pong pong.... Nite world..

So now then it happen

Yeah I guess I finally give up.... No point working on things that can't work... Why should I try and see something that couldn't be seen.... I just need to walk and wait till I fall.... Yesterday nite the gang wanna bring me out to shore for some drink but I never went with them... Probably too tired and recharge myself... Even now, I'm still kinda lazy to go shore.... Just wanna use the net and have a good rest... Yesterday was nice cuz I finally get to chat up with a school mate of mine.... Well it's kinda exciting cuz I used to have a crush in her... Yeah cuz she look really sweet when she smile... But it was just a mere crush and nothing really happen cuz I didn't take the opportunity to drop a pick up line.... hahahaha I was kinda shy plus I was attached to my ex at that time... Such a waste to think of those reason seriously when she can do the opposite behind my back....hahahaha Anyway we kinda chat for awhile before I have my good sleep... She's so nice and honest... That is her plus point... I like it when she is just being herself... I hate when girls have to change to be fitted in a group of friends to be accepted in a crowd.... Oh well, does that makes them a star...? hahaha That is seriously a lame attitude... I guess those people need to get a life.... Well, we chatted a while and she have to rest early cuz she have her skool and NAFA in the morning.... I can't be sellfish to occupy her rest just to make myself feel better... But I feel good if she will be able to have a good rest... Now I wanna Koon ah..!! Afternoon guys.. :)